Come as You Are

1. We're all made of the same parts, organized differently

No two alike.

Universal anatomy. Biological structures within human reproductive systems are composed of identical foundational elements, regardless of their final arrangement. This consistency applies to both internal and external anatomy. For instance, different genital organs originate from the same embryonic tissues. Consequently, the broad spectrum of physical appearances and structural configurations observed in humans is a standard biological reality.

Unique variations. There is a wide range of natural diversity in the dimensions, shapes, pigmentation, and proportions of human genitals. No single configuration is considered the standard or "correct" version. This natural diversity also encompasses intersex conditions, where physical characteristics do not align with binary categories.

Beyond anatomy. The principle of shared components organized in unique ways extends to neurological and physiological responses. Every individual possesses biological mechanisms that function as "accelerators" and "brakes" regarding sexual response, though the sensitivity of these mechanisms differs from person to person.

2. Sexual response involves turning on the ons and turning off the offs

Sexual arousal is really two processes: activating the accelerator and deactivating the brakes.

Dual control model. The human sexual response is governed by two simultaneous processes: excitation and inhibition. Arousal is determined by the interaction between activating the "on" signals and suppressing the "off" signals.

Individual differences. The sensitivity of the Sexual Excitation System (SES) and the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) varies significantly among individuals. These variances dictate how quickly one responds to stimuli or how easily one is distracted by potential inhibitors.

• High SES: Individuals react more rapidly to excitatory stimuli.
• High SIS: Individuals are more sensitive to inhibitory factors or stressors.
• Low SES: Individuals require more intense or prolonged stimulation to reach arousal.
• Low SIS: Individuals are less likely to be deterred by environmental or internal "turn-offs."

Context dependent. The factors that trigger excitation or inhibition are highly personal and situational. Identifying these specific patterns is essential for managing and understanding one's arousal levels.

3. Context shapes sexual experiences and responses

Context is made of two things: the circumstances of the present moment—whom you're with, where you are, whether the situation is novel or familiar, risky or safe, etc.—and your brain state in the present moment—whether you're relaxed or stressed, trusting or not, loving or not, right now, in this moment.

External circumstances. Environmental factors, the nature of the relationship, and social settings significantly influence physiological responses. While some may find arousal in new or high-risk environments, others may require the predictability and safety of a familiar setting.

Internal state. Psychological factors such as mood, stress, and self-perception are fundamental to sexual experience. A state of relaxation, a sense of safety, and a positive emotional bond with a partner provide the optimal conditions for sexual response.

Interaction of factors. Internal and external elements are interdependent. A specific external environment can trigger a positive internal state, such as relaxation, which in turn facilitates arousal. Mastery over these contexts is a primary factor in sexual satisfaction.

4. Genital response doesn't always match subjective arousal

Nonconcordance is what was going on.

Arousal nonconcordance. There is frequently a disconnect between physical physiological markers (such as increased blood flow) and the mental experience of feeling aroused. This phenomenon, known as nonconcordance, is documented across all genders, though it is statistically more frequent in women.

Not indicative of desire or consent. Physical responses are often reflexive reactions to stimuli and do not serve as proof of conscious desire, enjoyment, or consent. A physiological reaction can occur independently of an individual’s actual interest in a situation.

Communication is key. Because physical signs are not always reliable indicators of internal feelings, explicit verbal communication is the only accurate way to confirm a partner’s comfort and interest. Relying solely on physical cues can lead to inaccurate conclusions regarding consent.

5. Desire can be spontaneous or responsive - both are normal

Responsive desire is normal and healthy.

Spontaneous desire. This refers to a felt sense of sexual interest that arises independently of immediate physical stimulation. It is often incorrectly viewed as the only standard for healthy desire.

Responsive desire. In this model, interest emerges only after arousal has been initiated by external or physical stimuli. In these cases, the physical response precedes the mental feeling of desire.

Equally valid. Both desire styles are healthy and functional. Many individuals experience a combination of the two, depending on their current circumstances. Categorizing these styles helps individuals understand their own patterns without judgment.

Style	Logical Sequence
Spontaneous	"I feel desire, therefore I seek arousal."
Responsive	"I am experiencing arousal, therefore I feel desire."

6. Orgasms vary widely and are all valid

Pleasure is the measure.

Diverse experiences. The sensation of orgasm is not uniform; it varies based on the type of stimulation used, the environment, and individual biology. There is no hierarchical "correct" way to experience a climax.

Not always the goal. While often enjoyable, the climax should not be the exclusive objective of sexual activity. Over-prioritizing this outcome can lead to performance anxiety, which inhibits pleasure.

Pleasure-focused approach. Shifting the focus from a specific physical end-point to the overall experience of pleasure often results in higher satisfaction. Quality of experience is more significant than whether a specific physiological event occurs.

7. Stress and emotions profoundly impact sexuality

Context changes how your brain responds to sex.

Stress response. Survival mechanisms—fight, flight, or freeze—are biologically designed to prioritize safety over sexual function. Consequently, high or chronic stress levels typically act as a powerful inhibitor to arousal.

Emotional state. Negative emotional states like anxiety, grief, or anger often suppress sexual interest. Conversely, positive emotional states and a sense of security tend to facilitate sexual response.

Attachment and sexuality. The ways individuals relate to others, often rooted in early developmental attachment styles (secure, anxious, or avoidant), influence adult sexual interactions. Secure emotional connections are generally linked to higher levels of sexual wellbeing.

8. Cultural messages shape our sexual self-perception

We've been lied to—not deliberately, it's no one's fault, but still. We were told the wrong story.

Competing narratives. Individuals are exposed to conflicting information regarding sexuality from religious, medical, and social sources. These narratives form the basis for internal expectations and self-evaluation.

Harmful myths. Many societal stories create shame or set unattainable standards. Examples of common misconceptions include:

• The belief that all desire must be spontaneous.
• The idea that climax should only occur through specific types of contact.
• The requirement that bodies must meet specific aesthetic standards to be valid.

Reclaiming autonomy. By identifying these external influences, individuals can evaluate and reject narratives that are not useful or accurate. This process allows for the development of a more personalized and healthy understanding of sexuality.

9. Self-criticism hinders sexual wellbeing

You were born entitled to all the pleasure your body can feel.

Impact of negativity. Internalized negative judgments regarding one's body or performance act as psychological stressors. These judgments activate the inhibitory system (the "brakes"), making arousal more difficult to achieve.

Body image and sexuality. There is a strong correlation between negative body perception and sexual dissatisfaction. Conversely, adopting a neutral or positive view of one's physical self can improve sexual function and enjoyment.

Shifting focus. Replacing self-criticism with self-compassion and a focus on physical sensations helps deactivate the inhibitory system. This shift creates a mental environment that is more conducive to pleasure.

10. Mindfulness and self-compassion enhance sexual experiences

When you give yourself permission to be and feel whatever you are and feel, your body can complete the cycle, move through the tunnel, and come out to the light at the end.

Present-moment awareness. Mindfulness involves directing attention to immediate sensory input. This practice helps individuals stay present in the experience and reduces the impact of distracting or inhibitory thoughts.

Non-judgmental attitude. Observing thoughts and feelings without assigning them a negative value allows for a more relaxed state. This acceptance is beneficial for both solitary and shared sexual experiences.

Self-compassion practices. Approaching one's perceived sexual difficulties with kindness rather than frustration reduces performance anxiety. This supportive internal dialogue fosters a more resilient and positive sexual self-image.

11. Joy and acceptance are key to sexual fulfillment

The secret ingredient is you.

Embracing your sexuality. Authenticity—accepting one's unique physiological responses, body, and desires—is the foundation of a satisfying sexual life.

Finding joy. Treating sexuality as an opportunity for curiosity and play, rather than a task or a source of shame, leads to better outcomes.

Ongoing journey. Cultivating a positive relationship with sexuality is a continuous process of learning. It involves dismantling unhelpful cultural messages, processing past experiences, and exploring personal preferences for connection and pleasure.

Last updated: January 22, 2025